I Accosted a Man with a Box of Tampons
Thankfully it was a friend, and done (somewhat) in good fun…there may have been a bit of frustration involved.
Here’s the back story…
I have three daughters ages 25, 21 and 14…all soon to be another year older. We’ve
survived…ahem…raised two that are now off on their own. One more to go.
Fast forward to the text from the youngest daughter while I’m at work…
‘Mom – can you bring me dinner and some ‘supplies’?’ (She too, is at work and works an hour past dinner.) My response was ‘I’ll bring you a snack and some ‘supplies’ – I need to go to Shopko first.’
She says ‘It’d better be a big snack!’ and then ‘Soon?’
I respond with ‘Give me 1/2 hr, I’m at work’.
25 minutes later…
She texts…’Are you coming?’ (Mind you I’m driving to Shopko.)
2 minutes later…
‘Mommmmmmmmmmmmmmm’ (Now I’m walking into Shopko.)
As I roll my eyes, I quick text back ‘I’M IN SHOPKO!’
I buzz back to the ‘supply’ department, grab the box and turn quick to go up front. And that’s when I literally run into our friend Blake who says “Hi! How ya’ doing?”
At this point let me stop and say…Blake…I’m really sorry. You didn’t deserve to have me whack you on the arm with a box of tampons.
Nor did you deserve for me to remind you that you have two girls and that your time is coming.
Nor did I really need to push the limit by laughing at how red you turned…and then, of course, because I couldn’t leave well enough alone, I had to go on and tell you ‘when they get older, nothing is sacred”.
Thankfully (for you) at that point I remembered something else I needed and turned a different direction.
I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.
Now that I think back, it wasn’t very nice of me to take my frustrations out on you. I tell you what, let me help you before your girls get to that point in their lives. Here is my best advice for you as a father of two girls:
A) Invest in female hygiene products now…the dividends alone should pay off in the long run, trust me.
B) Keep a private calendar tracking the girls monthly cycles. The key word here is private…because if any one of the girls catch you with this information, well, let’s just say their reaction will make you wonder where your sweet little girls went.
C) With this secret information on your private calendar, stock up on chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. At least a week before their ‘time’.
D) When they look at you like you have a horn growing out of your forehead (after you’ve said something particularly stupid like “my, aren’t we cranky?”). Throw chocolate and run. Run for your life man.
E) Hug your wife. All…the…time. Tell her how much you love her…and how grateful you are for her. Why? A) If you have to ask that question you don’t deserve her. B) Because she’s the one who has to talk to these girls about how things work and help them through this horrible, gross mess that you want nothing to do with.
F) The time will come when you will be asked to go and pick up ‘supplies’. Suck it up. Walk into that store…straight to the female hygiene section…pray to God that you pick the right one (or if you’re smart you’ll bring the top of the box from the one they ran out of)…bring it to the cash register…pay and walk out with your little see-through bag with your head held high. Every man may chuckle as you walk by them, but trust me…every woman is smiling…elbowing her husband and nodding your way as she whispers “Look at what an amazing Husband/Dad that is – why can’t you be more like that?”
There you have it. Advice that will help you survive a household of women.
By the way…
The youngest did get her ‘supplies’.
And DQ French Fries…
And a DQ Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Blizzard…
And, just in case, two Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
Whaaaaaaa-whaaaaaaaa (hear the crowd roar) –
Arms in the air –